Thursday, 31 July 2014

Silent Blogger Living in the closet (Gay)

By: Silent Blogger
Living in the closet (Gay)



I grew up in a very religious family, with both parents who are fully committed to Christ, from an early age I always knew that I was different from other boys, however I always pushed the gut feeling under the carpet because I grew up in a society that has already set expectations of how a male and female should behave and conduct themselves.

Everything started when I reached the puberty years I therefore realized that I was attracted to the same sex, it was hard to accept how I was feeling emotionally, mainly because my parents stressed the idea of me getting married and blessing them with grandchildren. In a society where its not common for men to date each other, I did my best to shove the feelings inside the Bible hoping that Christ, who in his word is against homosexuality, would deliver me from my demons(as they referred in church).



Also the idea of my family finding out that I am gay would bring shame to the community. NB My parents are highly respected in my community, therefore I decide to distance myself from friends and family in fear of rejection, and  discrimination, I suppressed my feeling in every possible way I could. I had no one to talk to, not even the pastor who was suppose to comfort and guide me. I was alone in my struggle, had suicidal thoughts each and every second. I felt rejected by the Bible itself, that was meant to teach love.

I didn't understand why it had to be me, who endured so much suffering and pain, why could I not be normal (as society phrase it). One thing I knew is that I didn't chose to be gay. I kept looking for answers without any success, I felt like a sinner, who did not deserve Gods grace, a disgrace to the world.

I moved from one church to another, in hope that I might get deliverance and be normal, but as years went by the urge only grew stronger I needed to be loved. Everything about homosexuality that is condemned wrong in the bible, felt right in my soul, I therefore came to a realization that I need to start pleasing myself and not try to change me for the world that wouldn't accept me anyway. Yes it took time and a lot of soul searching to come to a conclusion about my sexuality.

But after that, I had another assignment to do (To tell my family), however the decision wasn't planned I remember I was in a taxi during holidays going back home, when  I had the thought of telling my parents about my sexuality. When I got home, I found my mom cooking and my dad just went to visit his friends. I informed my mom to set up a family meeting when my dad comes back, because there is something I want to discuss with them.

When my dad arrived, we all gathered in the living room and everything else is history. All I can remember was my dad crying hysterically, like his hopes were broken. I cried too the whole night, my mom tried to be strong to comfort the whole family, but I could see the pain in her eyes. But all they said, that till this day I wont forget is "We love you just the way you are".


The moral of the story is : Nothing comes easy in life and we must take one step at the time, when dealing with real people and real feelings. the only thing that matters is how you see yourself and If you love yourself enough to be who you are.


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Silent blogger is a series of real life stories from real people, who opt to be anonymous
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